now we see through a mirror dimly

nothing is what is seems...nobody is who they seem....is there anyone out there that can be fully trusted? is the world a safe place for a girl such as me? too trusting, too fragile, too willing to care for those types who treat my heart like a ping-pong ball, like a piece of useless rubble...God, bless them, as with all those who seek me harm…but please… not yet.

I’m beginning to understand why the Buddhist philosophy is so inticing ….i really wish that this all was an illusion and that there is no really is no spoon, no pain – it is all in my head, and I can breathe and will it all away….but, no….too many regretful mornings remind me that the brutal reality is that it that reality really does suck sometimes…

my deepest fear is that he was right...that they all were right...am i really that undesirable, that easy to toss aside without a second thought or a twinge of sorrow or regret ? Just when you think you are getting stronger, a person who you thought was on your side steals your confidence by switching teams and batting amongst all your life-long opponents that you have spent endless years convincing yourself that they were all in the wrong because you are indeed worth something….

So now I am through. Through, through, completely through. My two seconds of boundary-less self-pity and I am through. I refuse to allow my over-analyticalness to blind me to the fact that all is well with my soul because God is near me. He is closer than my skin and he is whispering to me….. that now I see through the mirror dimly, but one day I will see Him face to face, and I will understand…..thankyou God, that you know me better than myself and that this will be good for me…..and so - I will not waste the pain – no – I will learn, and grow, and change, and become… weaker….yes, for strength is over-rated… it is when I am weak, and vulnerable, and helpless – then alone am I strong….what good does self-confidence ever do but pollute your mind with the lie that you are ok on your own? That you need not to change or learn a thing or recklessly abandon your soul to God? No,I need you God, and thank you for this humble reminder that you are all that i could ever need. I will be confident in You and of Your plan to mold me and shape me remind me of what my focus should’ve always been…...Your work of renewal on this earth…..

From the Message, 2 Thess:

Live at peace, knowing that God is in control. Remember, he picked you out as his from the very beginning. You are included in the original plan of salvation through the bond of faith in the living truth. Stand firmly, then, feet on the ground, and head held high…hold fast to what you have been taught, for it is the way of Life.

Amen.
Moving on, here I come.